I AM Trusting
The older I get, the more in tune I become with myself and everything around me. There’s a sense of knowing that comes with age. Around this time of year, I always need to withdraw and take inventory of myself.
Hermit Mode FULLY Activated!
All the hustle and bustle of the first portion of the year have subsided, and as the seasons change, so do the survival requirements. As a person who experiences anxiety moments, yes, I said “Anxiety Moments” I refuse to say “suffers from anxiety” because there’s nothing about my life or my neurological senses that makes me believe I am suffering. I think that all things we experience, whether internal or external are all signs and guides for us to listen to. And anxiety is just a way of your body telling you that you have a lot of thoughts and feelings going on at the same time and no action being placed on handling them—nothing more, nothing less.
Back To What I Was Saying…
With seasons changing, so do the requirements of survival. Physically I’m okay, but I’m emotionally and mentally exhausted by putting so much action into making my dreams a reality that it’s completely overwhelming to be social for too long. So I turn inwards.
Actively seeking solace from the quiet and still place within me. I allow that space to consume me, sit with my feelings, and filter and nurture my thoughts. Every day, we experience so much sensory overload that our mind starts to control what we are feeling rather than our feelings guiding our thoughts. And notice I said “guiding” and not “controlling.” I become numb to my emotions because my thoughts are too loud.
I need to sit down and give myself time to let go. Let go of expectations I placed on myself and collaborative projects for work. Just letting go of the need to be in control of the outcome period. Permitting myself to let go of the ever-growing to-do list that never seems to be finished and be one with what is happening around me opens my heart to all the accomplishments.
What I find in that solitary place is that all is okay. And yet again, I am in the right place at the right time, doing the right thing all the time.
A sense of relief washes me, and I can slowly but surely start to feel my body and all its marvelousness. Colors seem brighter; birds’ chirps sound sweeter. And everything around me becomes so much easier to manage. No words need to be expressed to anyone on how I feel unless I choose. No worry needs to be had unless I choose for it too. I slowly remember that everything I’ve experienced thus far has been because I wanted to.
The happy moments embedded into my soul leave lasting impressions. As well as the sad or embarrassing moments. Each brings its lessons that have helped shape and form a new perspective on a once unknown outcome. And though it haunts me, it can be released because here I am.
It didn’t break me; it taught me.
And the only reason it was consuming me in a loud way is because I didn’t take the time to stop and give it some acknowledgment.
We (soul) need recognition. All things that happen with us regularly need to be acknowledged for release. Piling so much on ourselves for months, we push things under the rug to deal with later when we have the time. But time never comes, and that pile that gets swept under the rug gets bigger and bigger until you trip over it one day. (Anxiety Attack)
And if you’re not conscious enough to know that you’re tripping over old stuff in a current moment, you’ll continue to spiral out of control. You’ll become more irritable and aggressive then immediately passive because of your remorse for being overly aggressive. You’ll become an emotional wrecking ball on all things you touch. You’ll derail your progress forward in whatever endeavor you have going on because you can not bare the weight anymore.
You’ll let go in a way that won’t free you but imprison you in a whirlwind of shame. Shame that you didn’t complete it. Shame that you quit. Shame that you aren’t whom you thought you were initially. And still, with those feelings, you’ll feel isolated and disassociated from the depths of your soul. (Depression)
Not realizing and acknowledging that you aren't aligned with you, but because you have been actively pulling against you. You haven’t been allowing; you’ve been forcing……
And people, I’ve been forcing. I’ve been controlling everything in my life with a keen, watchful eye and a stern grip on EVERY wheel.
And that’s when I have to stop and release. To surrender. And accept that I can always go in the direction I desire as long as I leave space for my inner wisdom to guide me there. I have to keep the line of communication open. And how I do that is by regularly tapping in with myself to see if I’m feeling how I wish to be feeling.
I am allowing myself to stop all momentum forward for a moment and accept that I’m not off track but have just been distracted. That I need to refocus. And there’s no need to hang my head low with shame. Because with acknowledgment comes alignment. And the thoughts that surface no longer weigh heavy because the emotions attached were displaced.
"There is no more incredible thrill than what you can accept about yourself." - Billie Holiday.
There is no shame in knowing your limit and resting in it. There is no shame in needing to step back for a while and be. Shameful feelings don’t come to those who rest during their journey. It only comes to those who are weary in their pursuits.
Forget the clock for a while and Be Shameless about your SELF-care.
With love from a hidden resting place, Ya Homegirl Ky